0 Bachelor Season 17, Episode 5 recap

So for some reason (money/ratings) there was enough footage for this week to split it into two episodes, one which aired Monday and one on Tuesday. So we're calling this one episode 5. It's a Bachelor Event!!
This episode starts out with the ladies packing their bags, leaving on a jet plane and heading to Montana. Inexplicably, bagpipes are playing during the video intro. Somehow, Montana is one of Sean's favorite places within a day of being there.

The first date is with Lindsay, who lets out a couple tears. Man. She sounds like she is brain-dead. She has to be on the short list of dumbest girls ever on the Bachelor, which is no mean claim. Her first question asks the obvious "Is that a helicopter?". What else could it be, you dipshit? Naturally, what would a bachelor date be without the customary helicopter. Mere mortals have to be transported by car or subway, but on the Bachelor, the helicopter is your chariot of choice. I like Sean's statement that Lindsay is "outdoorsy" because she can:
A: start a fire with two sticks?
B: gut a fish, or
C: sit on the ground outside?
Listening to Lindsay talk, I can see why Sean likes her so much. He must feel like an intellectual powerhouse.

Back at the ranch, Sean (or more likely the producers) has set up a show down between Jackie and Tierra for the group date. Another random ass concert, but I feel like White Fish, Montana is the kind of place to eat this shit up. Lindsay is playing Sean like a fiddle, and I don't think she even knows what she is doing. She has to be one of the better underdogs in Bachelor history. I am calling it now, she is going to end up in the final 3. From a crazy broad in a bridal dress to the final 3. Who would have predicted that after the first episode?

The group date begins with an obstacle course. It seems a wee bit cruel that they keep on making Sarah do these physical challenges. I mean, is she going to milk the goat or saw the wood? Chris Harrison confirms his role as the new Carson Daly, droning through the excruciatingly boring play by play. It does not bode well that they spend this entire episode foreshadowing the next episode. Sean invites the blue team back out and cheers the red team with what appears to be a gin and tonic. Color me shocked. I felt like he would be the beer type.  Tierra announces her plans to crash the party. This should turn out well. Selma breaks out the third person speech AND the boobs. Power move time.

Tierra creeps up Buffalo Bill style and "surprises" Sean. He looks like a size 14.  Robyn has apparently been crying and does not talk with him one on one. That probably means she is going home. Well, she had a good run and the Bachelor can avoid a lawsuit hopefully for the foreseeable future.

Sean grabs Desiree and steals her away and AshLee interrupts. She has a soul connection with Sean, but you can tell she spends 2 hours a day pinning cleaning supplies and bleach on Pinterest.
The date card for the double date shows up and Lindsay molder of youth, struggles to read the 4th grade style rhyming couplet. Catherine lets Sean pick her up, which is well played by her. Let him feel in control and let him feel like a man. Daniella needs to stop drinking wine, as she is an emotional drunken mess on every episode. It turned out well for this episode, but it won't last.

The double date begins and we see Tierra is an awful person and is so so so obnoxious. She wants to be Courtney but she comes off as Regina George from Mean Girls, an immature self centered brat. Her and Jackie ride to the date in silence. This is going to be very interesting if Sean ends up with Tierra because he is a person who really values genuine behavior and Tierra is far from genuine. She has this fake ass plastic smile. Jackie takes the Kacie B approach, trying to sell out Tierra, so we can see how this is going to end. Tierra should worry about a heart attack or other serious coronary disease with that big heart. She brings out the big guns though, talking about some dead junkie she used to bang, playing to Sean's emotions.

Tierra wins the rose and fireworks go off. Apparently the producers were trying to crush the heart of whichever girl got sent home. The final rose ceremony begins with 25 minutes left, so you know shit is going to go down. Desiree brought some cleavage and legs to this party. Smart choice.  Desiree actually brings up a good point. Sean basically says the same thing to every girl so how would you know that he feels differently about you? Robyn goes to confront Tierra and she proves her trashy bonafides, cussing left and right. Sean walks by and hears Tierra be a bitch and unwisely pulls her aside to get her side of the story. I wonder what she is going to say. She pulls out the Shaggy defense, claiming it wasn't her, but the girls who turned on her. She is such a tramp, wearing almost nothing at all times. Leave something for the honeymoon. Tierra is throwing shade with her looks all night at the rose ceremony. I will miss her when she does get sent home though. It will class things up and make them infinitely less boring.

Sean throws a shit fit to Chris Harrison because things aren't going perfectly after going so well last week. Well Sean, I got news for you from another Sean. Relationships aren't all helicopter rides over the Rockies and glamorous shopping on Rodeo Drive. You are going to have your ups and downs. If you can't deal with that and you want to run away, you probably shouldn't be going on a televised dating show. This is why the Bachelor is such bullshit. It is so divorced from reality. People don't have to worry about their jobs and traffic and hang nails and when their dog shits on the carpet right by the door and you open the door and smear the shit all over the carpet. Robyn (or Malia Obama as Siobhan calls her) gets predictably sent home  by Sean.

Another entry coming tomorrow due to the double feature.