0 Ask Marty and Sean, Volume:1

Ask Marty & Sean Anything Vol: 1.


You asked and we answered.

How many more wins does Pitt have in the 2007 season with LeSean McCoy and Joe Flacco playing together?
Craig 

Sean: Great question. You have to go back and look at the actual games during the 2007 season (I am assuming you mean the season that ended in the epic 13-9 game) to get a feel for how things actually would have gone down. You also have to look at Flacco’s stats for Delaware during the same time and attempt to make a rough translation, based on the teams and level of competition he was playing against. The starting QB on this Pitt team for the majority of the season was a highly regarded (at the time) true freshman named Pat Bostick who took over after Bill Stull (14 of 20 for 177 yards with a touchdown) got injured in a opening day win against Eastern Michigan and Kevan Smith proved ineffective at best and miserable at worst, playing in five games, starting three and finishing the season with a final stat line of attempting 64 passes with 36 completions, for 415 yards with one touchdown and 4 interceptions. Bostick in his 2007 season threw for 1500 yards, completing 155 of 252 passes for a 61.5 percent completion rate, with 8 touchdowns and 13 interceptions in 10 games, 8 of them being starts.Flacco in his 2007 season at Delaware played in 15 games, winning 11 of them and losing 4. He attempted 521 passes, completing 331 for a 63.5 percent completion rate for 4263 yards, with 23 touchdowns and 5 interceptions.  
 The aggregate Pitt quarterbacks stats line looks like this: 205 completions on 336 attempts for  2092 yards, with 10 touchdowns and 17 interceptions. So Flacco throws the ball 200 more times than the combined Pittsburgh quarterbacks for twice as many yards, two and a half times as many touchdowns and 12 fewer interceptions, which is even more staggering with his number of attempts. However, Flacco’s schedule also must be examined, as his level of competition was not the same since he was not playing a D1 schedule. Flacco’s Delaware team actually played the same Appalachian State that went into the Big House and beat Michigan, getting throttled 49-21 in their last game of the season. That loss notwithstanding, Flacco’s team played 7 ranked D-1AA teams, beating five of them with one of the two losses coming in quintuple overtime and the other a five point loss. Flacco would clearly  have been an upgrade over any of the Pitt quarterbacks.    
You then have to look at the Pitt games where a Flacco would have made the difference. Pitt won 5 games, beating Grambling, Eastern Michigan, Cincinnati, Syracuse and West Virginia. There were 5 games they lost where the margin of victory was within 10 points: Michigan State, Louisville, Rutgers, Navy and South Florida (USF was 11 points, but are we going to split hairs?). I think if you subtract Bostick and add Flacco, those 5 games are all wins. The other two games were UConn and UVa, where Pitt was blown out so it’s hard to extrapolate for those games. So by my rough math, Flacco would have made that Pitt team a 10-2 team, with them winning the Big East and earning the BCS bid.

Marty: At first, I would have scoffed at such a question because I’m drunk on Flacco hateraid, but you can’t deny Flacco would have been a huge upgrade over Pitt’s QBs that season.  Sean gave you all the stats, but I watched every one of those dreadful games that year and I can guarantee you that the team would have been a lot better.  I have no idea how that team even won 5 games with such bad QB play.  The QB play that year was much worse than even the stats show.  The QB play was soooo bad that Wanny felt it was necessary to start the game against Virginia with an onside kick.  I mean seriously, who starts a game with an onside kick?  The game was 27-0 before Pat Bostick even attempted a pass.  So Wanny had such little faith in Bostick that he ran the ball on other drives when Pitt was down double digit points.  Nonetheless, that year concluded with the epic 13-9 win over WVU, which showed the team in fact had some potential.  Here are Shady’s stats from that game: 38 carries for 148 yards and 1 catch for 10 yards.  The rest of the Pitt team had 10 yards rushing and 57 yards receiving.  That his how bad the rest of the offense was all year.  Teams dared Pitt to run the  ball and Wanny obliged.  It didn’t matter because Shady ran for 1328 yards that year.  The next year, my perfect season where I attended every game minus the horrible bowl game, Pitt was a much improved 9-4 because the QB play improved from dreadful to mediocre with Billy Stull.  Shady once again ran wild over teams.  I think if you give that 2007 Pitt team a pretty good Flacco, as pointed out in the stats by Sean, Shady has a monster year, Pitt goes undefeated until playing WVU at the end of the year with a shot at the BCS championship on the line. Wanny proceeds to choke, mismanages all of his timeouts and time runs out right before Pitt has a chance to kick the game winning FG.  Pitt then ends up in a substandard bowl game because the Big East had horrible bowl tie-ins, then gets blown out because the team doesn’t care at all being so close to the title game.  The team ends up a heartbreaking 11-2.  Bottom line, no matter what it always sucks being a Pitt fan.  


I would like to hear your opinions on valentines day. Do you think it's all commercialized or is there some legitimacy to it? What should a guy look to get his gal if in a new relationship, or in a longer relationship? Is this an appropriate night to finally request anal?
Inquisitively yours,
Alan

Sean: Valentine’s day is a Hallmark holiday, foisted upon men by society and Madison Avenue, desperate for us to go out and buy the latest and newest gadget/piece of jewelry. I just recently heard about the concept of a push gift, a present for your spouse or baby momma for giving birth to your child. How about the satisfaction of a job well done as your reward? However, that all being said, unless you want to be single and alone forever or have a special lady friend (SLF) who doesn’t care about Valentines day and means it (bullshit), you have to do something. The fact that women have been brainwashed into thinking this makes it basically unavoidable. Obviously it depends on the woman, but I think the money move is to go with something personal or heartfelt, ideally something handmade. If you have an inkling what type of food your SLF likes, cook her a homemade meal. You will save mucho money because any half decent restaurant will have a Valentine’s day prix fixe menu (thanks, Obama) to rob you of your hard earned dollars, making wine and appetizer purchases obligatory. If you eat at home, you can buy a bottle of wine at the store and all of the ingredients as well. Then, depending on how long you have been courting, get her a nice bouquet of flowers with a handmade card talking about how much you enjoy spending time with her (love, if that’s where you are). What’s more heartfelt than a home cooked meal that you slaved over the stove on along with flowers, a nice bottle of wine or two and a handwritten card? Nothing.

Marty brings up a great point which for some inexplicable reason people never take advantage of. Valentine’s day has to be the easiest night of the year to go out and find some strange. Any woman out at the bar is either feeling sorry for herself that she is alone OR is thinking the exact same thing you are.  
I don’t understand the allure of anal but that’s just me. If you always wanted to try it, it’s a perfect night to suggest “taking your relationship to the next level”.

Marty: Sounds like someone is pretty bitter about Valentine’s Day. Instead of being critical and hating the day, you take full advantage of the opportunities that it provides you.  First, if you are single, then Valentine’s Day is absolute goldmine for you.  A single guy’s dream is a bar filled with desperate single women who are drowning their sorrows and looking for any excuse to make a mistake that night to make them feel better about themselves.  Guess what?  That is exactly what occurs on Valentine’s Day. If a woman is out getting drunk at a bar on Valentine’s day, then chances are she is out looking to get it in.  A classier, smarter, less desperate woman is wise enough to completely avoid hitting up the bars on Valentine’s day and instead will do something productive like hot yoga or some other woman exercise nonsense.  
Second, if you are in a relationship, then this is the perfect time to under promise and over deliver, because when it comes to giving gifts, if you have been dating for a week or for years you still have to do something, even if the following is said: “Oh, I don’t like Valentine’s day we shouldn’t do anything special or anything.”   So when that’s said your response should be:  “Yes, great idea let’s just hang out and do nothing.”  Now instead of listening completely, go look up a recipe for a meal, buy all the ingredients, a bottle of wine, a card and small gift like some flowers (nothing too crazy like 10 dozens of roses).  Now when she arrives at your apartment or house to do nothing, she is pleasantly surprised that you went through all this effort.  You now get tons of bonus points and she thinks how romantic and awesome you are, which never goes unpaid.
Side note, when you are having your first Valentine’s Day in a relationship, you need to make sure to not go way over-the-top.  This is not the time for buying really expensive jewelry, because you will need to top or at least equal your effort every year.  This is the time for establishing low expectations.  To do this just give a rant like Sean’s about how Vday is such a Hallmark commercial holiday and how lame it is to go over-the-top and mindlessly spend just because Hallmark tells you to.  
The appropriateness of asking for anal corresponds directly with the level of the gift.  It is a corollary theory to the crazy-hot scale.  If you are giving your woman carwash passes because you are a carwash mogul, then you might not want to ask for it.  However, if you giving your woman some bling or something valued over $100 then it doesn’t hurt to ask.  Just make sure to use Sean’s phrase of taking the relationship to the next level.  Make it about the relationship and not yourself and you should be golden.    

In the spirit of valentine's day, do guys like it when their girlfriends try to romance them? If so, what's romantic gesture that a guy would appreciate?
Marty’s roommate


Sean: This is a tough question. I think most guys don’t like a big deal being made about Valentine’s day, but I think a girlfriend can do a great job if she gets him a small token of affection or something that is symbolic or means something to the guy. For example, a nice bottle of booze or a 6-pack of beer that the guy likes but he would never go out and actually buy. That way, there is no feeling of guilt for the girl if the guy gets her diamond earrings but it also creates a sense of equality so Valentine’s day doesn’t feel like a holiday made up by an evil cartel of diamond merchants (which it is). It comes off more like a more romantic Christmas with an exchange of gifts and a nice meal of food.  


Marty: Sean is spot on.  I mean really most guys don’t expect anything.  Something small, even just a card, is all you need.  I think something small and thoughtful is the perfect way to show that you care and pay attention.  Although, Sean and I are very simple dudes when it comes down to it.  So if your guy is really high maintenance or really into expensive gifts, then the advice does not apply and you should probably dump that guy.  


What is the best 80’s action movie?
the Chief


Marty:  Such an awesome question.  So awesome that I think that it requires a much more indepth discussion.  I think we will need to bust out a March Madness, 64-team bracket showdown in the future.  But two of my top 80’s action movies are Die Hard and First Blood.  Die Hard is Die Hard.  A legit all time classic.  And First Blood is so ridiculous.  Special shout out to Over The Top.  Only the 80’s would have Sly Stallone arm wrestling for the ability to keep his son.

Sean: Man. This is a great question. I could easily spend 5,000 words breaking down all the possible contenders, and not even scratch the surface. But I don’t have that kind of time. It boils down to two movies for me that came out within a year of each other: Predator and Die Hard. You have over the top action, incredible one liners and memorable scenes (like Carl Weathers and Arnold having a flex off hand shake). I mean, think of all the gems that have came out of these two movies. “Kill me, I’m here”, “Stick Around”, “You’re one ugly motherfucker”, “If it bleeds we can kill it”, “Now I have a machine gun, ho, ho ho”, “Yippeee ki yay motherfucker”, “Now I know what a tv dinner feels like”, “welcome to the party, pal”, and you can think of so many more. Now you could easily pull out Running Man, Commando, Cobra, Terminator, First Blood, Tango and Cash, Lethal Weapon, Road House and that is just off the top of my head, but I think Predator and Die Hard would probably tie for me for the best.
 

With the pope announcing his surprise retirement, do you think I could become the first black pope.  I’m always looking to add “first black fill-in-the-blank” achievements to my resume.  And if not me who else?
Barry O’Bama

Sean: Ha! People forget that most of the College of Cardinals of the Catholic church are Italian. Do you know what Italians call black people? Melanzana or Moulinyan. It means eggplant. So good luck with that one, Barry, but it’s probably going to be one of the front runners. I’m a Catholic but I don’t practice or go to church so I have no idea who they would be. I would imagine it will be someone who has no problem looking the other way and covering up for pedophiles. It’s a shame Joe Paterno died. He would have been perfect. Oh well, it will be hard to top the current pope, what with his ties to the Nazis. 

Marty: Barry, you might want to throw your hat in the ring.  Although aren’t you a secret muslim intent on spreading communism?  Last I checked communism wasn’t really a very Catholic idea.  Although seriously, my best guess for the first black pope would be Dennis Haysbert, the president from 24.    He already paved the way for you, Barry, to be the first black president of the US.  Why not him for pope?  It is a perfect fit.  Basically, Dennis Haysbert is a racial trailblazer.  He needs his own day in February.  By the way Jobu needs his own day too.  I don’t think Dennis Haysbert gets anywhere in life without Jobu.  


What’s the deal with catfishing?  It’s not a cat.  It’s not a fish.  It’s not even an animal.  Why don’t they call it a dude falling in love with another dude pretending to be a chick?  Also, what’s the deal with buildings, shouldn’t they be called builts when they are finished?
Manti Te’o


Marty: Manti, you sure sound a lot like Jerry Seinfeld.  Is Jerry trying to catfish JDC? Now that would be big time.  But really, I don’t get how anyone is catfished in the year 2013.  I watch the show and it is usually some person  from the middle of nowhere who thinks he’s dating a model.  Yeah I’m sure there are tons of models sitting on the internet looking for people in the middle of nowhere.  I mean I don’t get how don’t they think that it is beyond weird that the person they are talking to doesn’t have a cell phone with a camera, or a webcam, or a digital camera or a friend with a phone with a camera.  I think even burner cell phones have cameras nowadays.  The fact that people still fall for someone who doesn’t have pics is beyond ridiculous.
And speaking of you Manti, you were the star of the football team at ND.  Why were you even messing around with online dating?  I remember when I was in college, there were girls who would hook up with the second string punter just because he was on the football team.  College girls love football players.  You know who college girls love more than football players? Star football players.  I’m not sure what you were thinking but next time someone messages you on the internet remember no pic then you must stop talking to him.  
Your second question is much more important.  I mean seriously, why aren’t they called builts?  I’m not even smart enough to answer that question.  I guess some things in life are never meant to be known.


Sean: Well, as a proper NY hipster I don’t have cable, so I can’t watch MTV, and I had never heard of the movie before. Most catfish are bottom feeders, eating detritus and plants at the bottom of freshwater rivers and other bodies of water. They are named catfish for their cat like whiskers, which are actually called barbels... oh, what’s that? You mean getting tricked or fooled into a long distance phone relationship with thousands of phone calls and texts? You mean it is weird living in a technological age as a college student with access to communication technology (Facebook, Skype, Google video, Snapchat, cameras on cell phones) and not once even attempting an in person communication for a year and expecting people to think you weren’t either complicit or completely fucking brain dead about the whole situation? Naw, perfectly normal, dude. I mean, I could understand it happening to a kid in junior high, but wouldn’t you get a little bit suspicious after a long enough period of time?
 
Thanks for all the questions! We hope to do this a lot more often. So be sure to send all your questions to jamiedixoncider@gmail.com