Fantasy Suite dates episode!! I love the Puritan streak still present in so many things in America. Instead of calling these dates what they are, test drives, the idea of sex is wrapped up in some bizarre mystical label of a fantasy. People. Sex is normal and healthy. I do it. You do it. The monkeys in the zoo won't stop doing it. Get over yourselves.
The episode starts out with Sean on a boat, taking in the sights of Thailand. It looks a lot like the movie The Beach. I love it when the Bachelor or Bachelorette talks about how strongly they feel for 3 or more people, since being a polygamist is a totally normal thing. I need to start telling Siobhan that I like her, but Jessica is great too, and so is Angela.
They must have not had enough footage for this episode, or this episode is for people who don't have dvrs or the internet, avoid the supermarket, and have been in a coma for the last 3 months. A recap of his "relationship" with each woman. Booooooring. AshLee needs a good therapist before she can get a good husband. Sadly, she will be going to one for the wrong reasons after this show, assuming he ends up with idiot Lindsay. Getting dumped on national TV does wonders for your mental health. Sean has put on some weight on his journey as well.
Lindsay is the first fantasy suite date and they start sucking face basically from the get go. It's good to know they didn't cross the border on their trip to the market. Thanks ABC. I love the fiction of two lily white bread Americans wandering alone through a Thai market without a translator. Bullshit. Lindsay talks about biology class like she knows what that is. Must have overheard it during sorority rush. They have a picnic on the beach and 24 year old Lindsay talks about settling down. So just one beer bong a night.
Monkey beach can NOT be sanitary. Color me shocked that none of the simians steal Lindsay's earrings. That being said, is there anything more romantic than two primates making out in the water, while other primates scurry around them? I don't think so.
The 2nd part of the date starts with some real Thai kitsch. Lindsay wore an interesting outfit. It's shocking that Lindsay would want to leave Fort Leonard Wood for anywhere, let alone Dallas. I wish ABC would let some real talk tweets slip through. I would love to see someone call Lindsay an idiot or AshLee a control freak or Catherine something (Catherine seems pretty normal). Man. Lindsay. Master of the obvious. "Thailand is all around us". No shit Sherlock. Sean really puts Lindsay to the test, asking her to read two sentences in a row. I love when Sean calls Lindsay wonderful or unique. Lindsay is a cookie cutter sorority girl. Her winning this show is going to inspire hundreds or thousands of women to act like her to get a guy like Sean. She is an idiot's Helen of Troy. Lindsay held out and finally gives in and tells Sean she loves him. Normally I would complement her for her mastery of the game, but I don't think she is smart enough to plan that.
I wish they ended each fantasy suite date with the bleary morning after shot instead of the fade to black of the night before. It would be much more entertaining.
AshLee's date starts and he looks bored to be with her. The one highlight of the boat trip is his Titanic inspired pose on the front of the boat. Sean keeps the tradition going of frightening his dates by taking AshLee on a swim through a cave. I don't see him putting Lindsay through the ringer. Make her spell something. That will put the fear of God into her. It looks to me like he is trying to find a reason to get rid of AshLee. I love the idea that swimming in a unlit cave in Thailand is just like life is. Man. The producers are rapidly running out of ideas. They must have gotten baked and stayed up late watching cable. This is basically the plot for The Beach. AshLee is setting up for a titanic fall. I hope she finds a decent dude once Sean breaks her heart into a thousand pieces and scatters them over southern Thailand.
AshLee seems pretty smart about the whole fantasy suite, basically saying she isn't going to give it up since he in theory just banged someone the night before and will again the night after (He's a born again virgin, which is a whole different load of shit to shovel, so it doesn't apply here, but you get the idea). Ooof. If a guy tells a woman he admires her, game over. I admired Sister Liz, my 4th grade teacher for not taking my shit. AshLee and Sean talk a whole bunch of gobbledygook and nonsense, but reading between the lines, they aren't going to do anything. Ugh. You know who stays up all night and talks? Idiot high schoolers. OH NO. AshLee seals her fate with the kiss of death, talking about what kind of ring she wants. That is some shit that you do not give unprompted.
Catherine and Sean's date starts with another boat ride, this time on a junk. Man. It must have been a Leo movie marathon for those producers. Titanic and the Beach references. Maybe him and Catherine will fight, Gangs of New York Style? Catherine starts with the damage control, throwing her sisters under the bus. Sean and Catherine go scuba diving. Pro tip: don't kick giant coral with scuba fins. It tends to kill them. The dinner date begins and its allegory city, with Catherine talking about how traditional she is and intimacy. It seems patently obvious that everyone knew Sean won't have sex on the overnight date, as every date has danced around the issue.
Ahhhh. Product placement. Thanks ABC, you heartless shills. Nothing like a 5 minute commercial for Oz.
The rose ceremony starts with action shots of Sean getting dressed followed up by Chris Harrison's five minutes of work for the week. Sean goes back to the tried and true wall of portraits to decide who to choose, picking up each picture and staring into their dead eyes. The video messages come on and judging by the look on Sean's face, AshLee is going home. AshLee did not mess around, bringing the boobs out for the final ceremony. How did she not have a nip slip on that walk? Maybe she felt like she needed to make up for her over the top emotional video? Sean feels like a real dick after watching her video, realizing she has fallen hard for him and he is sending her home. Sean drops the ultimate truth bomb and sends AshLee home. AshLee storms out and for the first time in a long time she doesn't cry. Her on screen speech is borderline psychotic. Girl needs some therapy. Good work Sean. AshLee is never going to let anyone in ever again. Finally the tears come.
Well, looks like Lindsay is going to win. God. How disgusting. Girls tell all next week, so there are going to be feathers everywhere. How are they going to fill out 3 hours on the season finale? How obnoxious.
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I never get how women always say ohhh the bachelor is such a great dude when he makes out with multiple girls all the time. Seriously, in the fantasy suite episode he talks hours with three girls in the span of days, probably already knowing which girl he was going to eliminate. A good dude would feel at least slightly uncomfortable about the whole situation. Heck, a good dude would never agree to such a ridiculous idea.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm about to get real. What he did to AshLee isn't what a nice guy does and was pretty cold blooded. The woman has clear trust issues (I think the producers shouldn't even have allowed her on the show), so what does Sean do? He keeps her on the show for way too long. In fact he builds up their relationship so much that he keeps her around to talk hours with her in the fantasy suite. He should have let her go gracefully a long time ago. Everyone knows the over 30 year women is never winning. That look she gave him was pure anger. I can only imagine what BS Sean gave her to make sure she went to the fantasy suite. But yeah Sean is a good dude because he helps the producers come up with good dates.
I appreciate the scuba advice. No kicking in coral reefs.
Lindsay is the truth. My first pick and a consistent performer in Fantasy Bachelor. Long live Lindsay. Final episode, 3 horus of making out and saying they are best friends. Although, if Sean wanted to meet a cute substitute teacher who likes to make out he could have saved himself a ton of time, trouble and drama by just going out to bars or going on match.com like a normal dude would do.